How to prepare for a baby without "preparing for a baby"

This post is for those moms-to-be who are waiting to adopt a newborn baby as their first child.

...And for readers unfamiliar with the (domestic infant) adoption procress, I'll explain:  These adoptive moms (dads, too!) have relinquished control.  Initially, they wait for a phone call-- and it could come at any time-- that will connect them with a birthmom-to-be and her baby, due six months from now; seven days from now; or perhaps already born.  Who can predict?  This birthmother will either choose them, or choose someone else, to parent her child.  Who (besides the birthmom, of course) can explain her reasons?  ...Afterward, the adoptive parents wait to hear that the birthmother has checked into the hospital.  Perhaps she'll invite them to be present at her baby's birth; and perhaps not.  Perhaps she'll want to spend some time in the hospital with her new baby.  Perhaps she'll let the adoptive parents visit. 

They wait, conscious that until the last moment-- and the "last moment" varies from state to state-- the birthmom can always change her mind and decide to parent, as is her right.  This happens.

It's risky, emotionally risky, to prepare when the outcome is so uncertain.  I've heard of adoptive moms-to-be having baby showers, decorating nurseries, buying strollers and clothing; but I myself was not one of these moms.  The thought of returning home, childless, to the sight of an empty crib was gut-wrenching. 

That said, it's tough to sit still amid so much anxiety, too, so-- for adoptive moms-to-be who would like to do something, anything, to get ready (anything that doesn't scream "baby"), here is a list of what I wish I'd done beforehand:

Ways to Prepare for a Baby without "Preparing for a Baby"

Declutter and organize-- big time.  If, like me, you don't have a handle on your own belongings, how can you possibly absorb the vast amounts of baby-related stuff that you'll accumulate after your child comes home?  I wish I'd mercilessly sorted through my closet, our basement, our kitchen cabinets, etc., so that at least these areas would be under control and ready to admit new items.  As it is, I'm constantly fighting overflow...  Don't be like me.

Prepare freezer meals. Many moms of my acquaintance stock their freezers during the last months of pregnancy, and the idea also makes sense when you're hoping to adopt.  After all, you never know when you'll need to coast in the kitchen for a couple of weeks!  ...And while you're at it, buy a slow cooker.  Pre-parenthood, I never thought of using one (why bother, when a Dutch oven performs so much better?), but nowadays I'm slow-cooker dependent.

Arrange small comforts for yourself, such as warm pajamas (essential when baby wakes in the depth of a winter's night), fleecy clothes for stay-at-home days, your favorite tea, a scented candle.  Download audiobooks and music; corral your favorite books in an accessible place (so as not to waste those precious naptime minutes).  Whatever happens next, you'll need-- and deserve-- some effortless pampering.

Collect laundry baskets.  This sounds (and is) so trivial, but-- honestly, where's an empty one when I need it?  Babies add laundry and subtract from the time available to fold and put it away, so that my original set of two laundry baskets quickly expanded to four and five.  And I wish I had more.  Why?  They're so useful for transporting items up and down stairs; organizing toys; and I don't know what else.
 

Can you think of other ways to "prepare without preparing"?  If so, please add them to the comment box!


Adoptive moms-to-be, I hope that this post finds you hopeful and smiling!  The wait can be difficult; and of course, because you want very much to be selfless, your mind will rush to qualify and deny the difficulty, but-- yes, this has been (as they say) a rollercoaster, hasn't it?  I wish you luck; I wish you peace; and I wish that I could give you a big hug, too.  Hang in there!

Ok... some really quick "quick takes"

And what have I been up to this week? (You're just dying to know, right?)

1. Storytime at the library.  Unfortunately, today's Halloween craft project-- a spider mobile made of construction paper "legs" taped to a paper plate-- seemed to upset my toddler...  But then, so did the sight of her baby sister wearing a hand-me-down sweater.  ("Mine!")  We're just at that stage.

If only this could be the motto of our membership drive!

2. Helping my husband to set up a not-for-profit organization supporting scholarship in U.S. military history.  The legal part's done, but-- what with web pages, blogs, Facebook, and anticipating the administration thereof-- this project already feels overwhelming!  And we haven't even officially "announced" it yet.

3. Avoiding all work, conversation, and thought that touches on my book manuscript.

4. Fall cleaning.... because I haven't deep cleaned since before my almost-two-year-old was born!  Now, hand her a (dry) dust cloth and she'll "polish" furniture right along side me, at least for a few minutes...  By the way, this is a great procrastination technique!  One of my go-to's.

5. Trying to remember to pray together as a family!  My husband and I would like to make this a part of the evening routine (realizing, of course, that we can't expect the toddler and baby to actually pay attention), but we're just not in the habit...  For the past few nights it's slipped my mind until the children were long in bed.

6. Before bedtime, reading Jane Eyre yet again.

7. Experimenting with slow-cooker oatmeal.  It's wonderful to wake up to a ready-made breakfast, but the oatmeal's been forming an annoying (and wasteful) crust on the inside of the crock.  Tonight I may try this method, which I hope will help.

Enjoy the weekend!

Adoption Tax Credit to sunset Dec. 31

Sorry to trouble you with yet another political cause (in this election year, we're all approaching burnout!), but... our family was formed through adoption, so this issue hits home for me.  Literally.  Both of our babies-- two in two years' time, born right here in the USA-- came to us by means of adoption, for which my husband and I are more grateful than we can possibly express!!  And the process was expensive...  The Adoption Tax Credit, now set to expire, has been a welcome relief to us and other new adoptive parents.

In 2010 and 2011, the federal government offered an adoption tax credit that was fully refundable, meaning that the government would help adoptive parents with their adoption-related expenses regardless of tax liability. In 2012, however, the "refundability" expired; and the tax credit itself will sunset on Dec. 31.  Unless another law is passed, by 2013 only special-needs adoptions will qualify for a (greatly reduced!) measure of tax assistance.

"There are now bills in both the House (HR 4373) and the Senate (S 3616) that would accomplish the goal of an adoption tax credit that is inclusive, flat for special needs adoptions, refundable and permanent. We encourage you to ask your Representative to co-sponsor HR 4373 and both your Senators to co-sponsor S 3616."

If you have a few minutes, please help to Save the Adoption Tax Credit.  (Missouri residents:  Representatives Clay and Emerson are co-sponsoring HR 4373; and Senator Blunt introduced S 3616.  I'm not sure of where the others stand.)  Thank you, thank you, thank you!




A final, admittedly bitter thought:  We as a society will soon finance abortion and contraception-- while the adoption credit goes away?

Thrilling and overwhelming

Two weeks ago an academic publisher-- one well respected in the field of Catholic history-- contacted me to inquire about my dissertation manuscript. Would I consider rewriting it as a book?

(Oh, wouldn't I!)

After a few emails back and forth, we settled on a tentative schedule:  I have until the end of next Spring to put my text in order, at which point it will be submitted for peer review and-- assuming it passes-- then to the board of editors for approval.

Thrilling, no??  I was all aglow for days, and my ego still hasn't recovered (as my husband can confirm)!

But now (reality check) there's a scheduling challenge ahead:  Where to find the time, without shortchanging our little girls or driving my husband insane? Luckily, I know of a teenager down the street who might be willing to babysit for a few hours each week, but... in the end I know that I'll be forced to take an extreme measure:

Getting up early.

(PS:  I'll let you know how that goes.)

Scattered thoughts from a busy week

Are "quick takes" for Fridays?  If not, I'll still use the concept as an excuse for scattered thoughts...


1.  Our family tried St. Louis Catholic's recipe for French dip sandwiches (see the comments section of this post), and yes-- it's THE recipe!  Incredible flavor. My husband loved it; I loved it; and it was unbelievably simple to make in my slow cooker...  Thank you, Mrs. Timman!!  This meal is going on our regular schedule.

2.  Lately naps have scarcely overlapped at all, so I've had very little free time during the day-- although I'll admit that I've been carving out an early-morning coffee hour by letting the girls hang out in their cribs a bit longer before breakfast.  (So long as they're not crying...!?)

3.  With my toddler, I've fallen into an unfortunate habit of using videos as a distraction during diaper changes and her baby sister's pre-nap feeding/rocking session.  True, she watches (what I consider to be) good stuff: excerpts from The Nutcracker ballet, orchestras playing classical music, scenes from Disney's Cinderella, a half-hour alphabet video from Sesame Street...  But I can see that video is becoming an addiction for her, as she's constantly requesting it outside of the normal times.

4. With regard to the above, I'm beginning to create my own short videos of the toddler's books-- sort of a virtual storytime.  With the camera zoomed in close to the page, I read, point out fun bits of illustration ("Do you see the puppydog?" etc.)...  While of course this can't possibly replace actual storytime, I figure that this sort of video has to be a cut above Cinderella!  Especially if our toddler has the books, too, in her hands, so that she could potentially follow along... Again, not ideal-- but perhaps a slight improvement.

5. One final thought:  Our seven-month-old does better push-ups than I do.

Have a great weekend!

Slow-Cooker Sunday: A New Family Tradition

Until recently, the slow cooker had always struck me as a rather pointless gadget:  after all, unless you worked outside the home, why would you invest in a device that took eight hours to accomplish what a Dutch oven could do in three or four?  Moreover, it couldn't reduce a liquid down to the silky, rich sauce that I expected in a pot roast or stew; and its throw-everything-in-and-walk-away method seemed to leave no room for creativity... So for years I skipped all of those slow-cooker recipes, confident that there was really nothing in them to miss.

Until recently.  To my shock, that once-despised slow cooker has actually proved itself...!

You see, on Sundays our family assists at Tridentine Mass (Extraordinary Form of the Roman Rite) in the city 35 miles from our home, and-- depending on traffic-- it can take us anywhere from 35 to 50 minutes to reach the church. Once Mass ends, we're hungry; the babies are both tired and (despite take-along snacks) hungry; and we still must face the long commute home.  It's a problem.

In pre-parenthood days, my husband and I loved to follow Mass with a leisurely brunch at one of the downtown restaurants; and even when our eldest first came along, we still could usually sneak in 40 minutes or so at a family-friendly establishment.  When our second child arrived in January, however, that option was shot.  There was no enjoying a sit-down meal with two frazzled little ones to manage!  ...And so, we began pulling into Sonic for a quick meal of burgers, hot dogs, chicken fingers, and tater tots.  I'd squeeze between carseats in the back of our sedan, where I could give the infant her bottle (if necessary) while handing the toddler bits of chicken and greasy fried potato.

Needless to say, this arrangement was less than ideal.

On a whim, I picked up a seven-quart Crock Pot (with visiting family in mind?) at Walmart on a Saturday, along with 3lbs of pork shoulder and some barbeque sauce.  At eight the next morning I loaded meat, vegetables, and sauce into the thing, turned it on "high," and ran upstairs to go back to bed prepare for Mass...  "I hope it doesn't burn the house down," my husband said as we drove away-- late, as usual.  (Mea culpa.)

But when we returned home, the smell was amazing-- and the pork was tender and savory.  We could sit down to our meal almost immediately, no fuss, with naps to follow... Leisure restored!  I was sold.

Since then, we've experimented with beef sirloin on two successive Sundays (not as tasty, since it really needs more cooking time); and this past Sunday, we tried this worthwhile Food Network recipe for pork carnitas.  In the interest of time, I initially skipped the final "crisping" step, but tried it on the next day's leftovers-- and we both found that it elevated the ok to the sublime!  (Please don't forget the "crisping" step!  It creates those flavorful brown bits...)

Humbled, I now ask-- do you have a favorite slow-cooker recipe? 

Attitude Adjustment--

-- in that I really need one, ASAP.

All weekend my thoughts have centered on me, on a sort of struggle for my time and my space against all other members of this household, dogs included. When will the baby let me drink my coffee in peace? Why is the toddler always in the kitchen? When will I finally be allowed to watch that TV show? While I did my job (with lots of help from my husband), I wasn't "doing small things with great love"; rather, I was busy "getting small things out of the way to make room for me."  And when that room didn't magically appear, I chose to become resentful and sullen.

As a result, I've begun the week on the wrong foot and the wrong side of the bed.  As this morning wore on I heard That Tone creeping into my voice; and upon smelling That Smell just before naptime-- right when I thought I was home free-- I actually exclaimed to my toddler, "What?!  You pooped again?! How is that even possible??"  (She laughed, thankfully... But in the future she may take to heart this sort of accusation.)

Hopefully I can still manage to turn the day/week around...  Although nearly two years ago I'd allowed the arrival of our first daughter to completely derail my daily prayer, last week this post at The Happy, Resourceful Home motivated me to begin again, just in a small way: a decade or two of the Rosary said here and there, most often as I rock the baby to sleep.  Maybe it will help to pull me through today; and maybe a nap will, too... However it's achieved, though, my focus does need to shift away from "getting what I want" and toward the process, the day's rhythm as a source of grace.  (Yes, yes, I've been reading Holly Pierlot!)   Otherwise, I'll only keep clawing at members of my family, as I did all weekend-- and how pleasant was that?

Sorry, sorry-- but yes, I'm going to share this!

You know that it's about to be a challenging day when... the dog regurgitates a dead bunny on the living room floor, right in front of your inquisitive toddler and grabby infant.

(Hey, at least it didn't happen on the couch, right...?)

Tethered to the Coffeepot

To put it briefly:  Rough night.  Again.  (Also, note to self: Never bring the toddler to bed with us after a night waking!  The result will be a baby bouncing on the mattress as we're trying to sleep and, ultimately, tortured screams when she's replaced in the crib.)

So early this morning I crept down to the kitchen and, armed with a cup of coffee and both baby monitors, tried to recover some shadow of interest in the world.  As usual, I went to the NPR website and listened to the Hourly News-- that five-minute audio rundown of headlines, available on demand, which is so convenient for a tired mom who has little time/motivation to click through Drudge Report or the New York Times.  (Conservative stations, Catholic stations, won't you develop something similar?)

This video, too, I find to be a helpful mood-brightener, both because of the upbeat music (who can resist the Pastoral Symphony?), and because of the obvious joy that these musicians take in its performance.  They're living in the moment, reveling in what they do-- and yes, it's just a little bit contagious!

Time for that fourth cup of coffee.  Happy Monday to all!

Hello! Thanks for dropping in

... on my brand-new, wide-open, clean slate of a blog!  Years ago, while working on my dissertation, I ran a blog called Quo Vadis, which-- sadly for me-- I terminated when academic obligations became (or felt) overwhelming.  Life is different now:  I've graduated, and, after years of struggling with infertility, my husband and I have adopted two wonderful baby girls, now the center of our lives!  They're full biological sisters, and we took each one into our care within days of her birth.... So now I'm trying to concentrate on becoming the best mom, wife, and homemaker that I can be, although 95% 99% of the time I find myself just praying for "adequacy."


Still, a professional networks, right?  I've decided that now is the moment to stop lurking and start participating in the online conversation!   In this (as in so much else!) I'm lucky to have the example of a friend from college and a friend from church, both talented writers and outstanding moms.

Again, thank you for visiting!  I'll see you when naptimes overlap.